I dont get to see them anywhere near as much as I’d like. I don’t even get to chat to them on MSN because im never near a PC nevermind signed in anymore. Over the last 5 months Ive barely seen anyone. Where I used to be guarenteed to see everyone at least once a week im lucky if I get to see everyone once a month and even then thats rare.
It’s not even just seeing them that I miss its the chatting to them on MSN or txt as well. Whenever im signed in im lucky if ive got one close friend online to chat too and half the time they arent even there…theyve just forgotten to log out.
Just before Susie and myself split up I could see it starting to happen. We had no cash and no real want to go out as neither of us were really enjoying it. We’d have a mediocre night and then come home and if we were lucky fall asleep at the same time otherwise one of us would be up on the PC or watching TV….it wasnt good. So we very rarely went out and if we did it was very rare for us to do it together. Looking back I should have seen it coming a mile off rather than Susie just turning around one day and and saying…and i’m paraphrasing here…”I dont know what i want but I know I dont want you” or words to that effect. It got a little worse after that. I didnt see my friends that much because I didnt want to lie and say things were all right when they werent but at the same time I didnt want to tell them that things werent going well. I hoped we could sort it out and deal with it ourselves. By the time things got to far and we had to end it I’d only told three people. One was my mum just in case I needed somewhere to kip for a night or two, a girl called Ruth that I used to work with in DFID who was going through the same thing herself and Mark…who, for whatever sin he committed in another life, always seems to get hit with these things first when Susie wasnt about and in this case I certainly couldnt go to Susie…I did try though but it just seemed to make things worse.
Once our breakup went public I swore id see more of my mates. Over the years i’ve let good friends drift away and bad friends stick about. About the only good friend ive kept over the years despite not seeing them has been Barry and I didnt even manage to tell him Susie and myself were no more until about the end of January. And ive only really seen him a handful of times after that and thats been mostly over a few beers talking about us never seeing each other and promising to do more about it. I think I managed to see more of my friends over christmas and new year without them thinking I was using them as a crutch or whatever and then I met Vonnie and the world was all smilie again but ive went back to barely seeing my mates. Hell it was the only reason other than painitng that I got back into wargaming (to damn expensive) just so I could spend more time with my mates
With Wilbur and Ang moving away to the back end of Hamilton it was always gong to be awkward to get to theres without a lift as I just dont know anything about public transport outside of EK.. Wilbur has also been working his arse off for uni which limits things as well. Again Marks job has him working his arse off in a job that im sorry to say ive never really talked to him about other than to take the piss out of his works website when he first moved there. Clares got herself a new job as well and with that and family parties etc I rarely see the two of them as well. I’ve actually seen more of Dave since he got himself a girlfriend but even at that its never intentional as we just find ourselves in the same pubs for 10-15 mins at a time. Stoo and Laura have cocooned themselves in their new flat and are as loved up as they always have been. Think ive seen them abotu twice since new year…nowhere near enough. Then theres Susie…over teh last 5 months I’ve realised that at the end I was feeling similar to they way she was feeling. I wasn’t bored but the spark wasnt there anymore. I could look back as far as February last year and easily see that we were just friends that happened to live together and constantly piss each other off. These days we get on alot better than we used to when we were together and I love her to bits (purely as friends) because of that….just not entirely convinced she could or would say the same thing. I rarely see her these days as when im in the flat its a 50/50 chance of the two of us being there at the same time. I miss the fact that I can tell her anything but these days I just wonder wether she is ok with that.
These days I seem to be getting alot of new friends….which is always nice…but im frightened im losing my old ones as they make way for the new. I dont want that theres room for everyone…just need a crowbar I think to fit them all in
I’m an arse at times but I dont always know it so tell me when im am please…