I’m Having Trust Issues

That says it all really. I’m really finding it hard to not lock my front door and never have to deal with anyone out with my immediate family. Most things that get to me are perfectly harmless such as friends going out for a night out and not offering an invite or things happening at work that just scream of them having something against me.

I guess the biggest thing that has hit me in the past few months is that one of my ‘friends’ has been convicted of attempted rape, sexual assault and sexual activity with a child. He also admitted possession of the indecent images. This guy was a school teacher and for the last 15 years had been someone I would have called a friend. It’s true that over the last few years I’ve seen him less and less but at one point he came out clubbing with us almost every week and when we weren’t doing that we were round at his for a few beers. We even went on a lads holiday to Benidorm with him. He wasn’t just someone I knew through friends and occasionally seen out and about.

Where do you start with that one?

I’ve not really talked about it apart from to my wife and to two other friends that know him but even those conversations were short and to the point. When I first found out about it I was standing in line at my local newsagent when the headline caught my eye. When I seen it was Kerr my heart sank. I really didn’t know what to think or say. I told Vonnie and she ended up trawling the internet to find out more as at that point all we knew was that he had been arrested a few weeks earlier but it didn’t go into to much detail. Eventually it hit a local internet forum that I use where I knew a few of his pupils posted and they couldn’t believe it either. It turned out quite a few others new him through his Judo or time as a steward at the QMU at Glasgow University.

I knew him through my best man who had known him for several years longer that I had through the Judo club. I didn’t know if he knew though so I ended up sending him a few texts and then phoning him to make sure he knew and he was all right. It turned out he had known since the arrest but just didn’t know what to say or do.

Over the last few months as information came out through the newspapers or from his family I started to have mixed thoughts about it all. The Kerr I knew would never do something like that but you don’t get smoke without a fire as they say. I refused to get off my fence and felt like shit because of it. On one hand he was a mate that I believed could do know wrong and on the other he was being accused of all sorts and you can’t help your mind wandering and connecting a few dots even if those dots don’t actually make a picture. If he was to have been found not guilty and in my head I had already committed him how would I feel when I next seen him? What if he was found guilty and I’d blindly defended him to the last. How could I trust anyone after that?

I did connect a few dots though and as you always do you look back and realise things never added up. I’ve no idea if they meant anything but it’s got me questioning a lot of friendships purely on the basis that well if one of them can be someone I trusted any of them can. A few things just don’t add up in my head though. Aside from the actual crimes that is. He says he gave up a medical career so that he wouldn’t have to deal with young kids but then he became a teacher? And not just any old teacher but the head of pastoral care no less. That makes no sense.

As a group we all had computers and all had varying degrees of knowledge with how to fix them and despite him being a computing studies teacher any IT help for the group of friends was always dealt with by either myself or Paul who does that kind of thing for a living. With Kerr though we were never allowed to touch his PC. You could tell him how to fix it but you were never allowed anywhere near it to actually show him how to do it.

When we went to Benidorm we thought we’d play a prank on him. He was the new boy as he hadn’t went on holiday with us the previous year so he was the target. We made up fake wanted posters from the Strathclyde Nonce Squad with a photo of Kerr which we managed to get a few of the pub reps to hand out to anyone we seen him talking to in the street at night. His reaction was completely over the top for what was at the time a harmless joke but we always just put it down to how drunk he was at the time. It could just have been that though. This is what I mean by connecting dots that possibly might not be connected.

He crossed the line that everyone knows not to cross and I find myself thinking about whether I could ever talk to him again. Completely taking out the fact that I have kids and a step son almost the same age as the boy that Kerr forced himself on… Who am I kidding I can’t take that fact out of the situation. I couldn’t talk to him again. I’d struggle to be in the same town as him if I’m being completely honest. Barry was saying earlier today when I was talking to him that he couldn’t have him in his house again and that was coming from someone without kids so he could only guess as to how I would react. I’m just struggling to comprehend why he’d even get as far as the doorstep for him being in the house to be a consideration. He has suffered through this as well as Kerr was a close friend to him right up until the day of the arrest. I dread to think how his family are dealing with all this and don’t even get me started on the boy and his family. His statement after the verdict really got me as well as it just looked as though he was clutching at straws and trying to make out that he was good really, that saying sorry was enough for his victim and that feeling hated wasn’t a very nice feeling. Well guess what Kerr… I’d hazard a guess that neither is being sexually assaulted.

I’ve drivelled most of this as it’s late but I had to get it out of my head as it was going to get nasty in there. I’ve always believed that the only person I could fully trust was myself and over the years I found out that wasn’t true. It really fucks you up though when someone that you do trust shits on you, people you care about and on anyone and everyone else that happens to be involved. It takes you back to square one almost.

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  1. Kirsty says:

    Just wanted you to know that I’d read this.

  2. lirazelf says:

    jesus. as above, just to say that i’ve read this and we’re thinking about you.

  3. Kate says:

    Vonnie mentioned this to me when I posted about something similar in my life. The thing is, I think you just can’t protect kids completely. You might be able to help them to protect themselves, and make them strong enough to handle bad things if they happen, and support them through whatever does happen to them, but – you can’t tell which are the bad people, and you can’t actually always protect them. And typing that makes me want to be sick.

  4. Hammer says:

    Fucking hell, I’d completely missed that news story. Fucked up stuff.

    Trust issues won’t disappear over night. GIve yourself time and you’ll be able to build it up again.

  5. Pete says:

    It’s times like these with trust issues that you can look back on in years to come to realize why and when you should or shouldn’t trust someone. Sort of – everything happens for a reason, you know? Just my two cents.

  6. Joanne says:

    Hey Bob, was this the guy that was in the EK news, the judo teacher?

    I didn’t know that you were close to him. Can’t imagine what I would do if it was one of my close friends. Hope your holding up.


  7. Bob says:

    The very same.

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