ouch my broken heart

So yeah…my health.

For the last month I’ve been battling a cold/chesty cough/chest infection and at the beginning of last week I finished my course of antibiotics and most of it cleared up leaving me with an occasional dry cough that felt more like I’d cut my throat and the healing was itchy and causing the cough rather than the remnants of the infection.I felt that good that on Monday night we went for a cycle to my parents and on Tuesday I cycled to and from work. At no point did I feel I’d over done it and actually felt really good about it all.

Then I lay down to go to bed on Tuesday night. It hurt to lay down. It hurt to sit up. When I wasn’t lying down it felt like someone was trying to crush my throat and when I was on my back it was if someone was sitting on my chest. It didn’t hurt that much to be honest it was more the tightness that worried me. What did hurt though was when I breathed in and out. It was fine until a certain point then it became unbearable. Vonnie said I was being a drama queen and I sort of believed her but at teh back of my mind was the thought that if it didn’t get any better by 4am I’d go to A&E there and then. I finally managed to get some sleep after finding some painkillers but if I moved from the one position I found that was comfy then I’d wake up in pain again.

I’d told Vonnie I’d go to A&E if it didn’t get any better by lunchtime but when I got off the bus its was just as bad as it was during the night. A quick text to Vonnie to say I was going earlier than expected and instead of walking across the road to work I walked into A&E instead. Sometimes it’s quite handy having the local hospital across the road from your office! I went in expecting them to say I had pulled a muscle and I’d be back in work within the hour. I got to the desk and told then of my chest pains and my difficulty breathing only to see the 4 kids that came in behind me with strained joints get taken first. It took me a few hours to realise they were being taken into the room we normally go into when the kids have to go to A&E and they were waiting for space to come up in the treatment rooms for me. I’d walked in of my own accord so those that came in via the ambulance got in ahead of me. I didn’t thing like that at the time… Vonnie also found out that they refer to the room I was eventually taken into as Resus which certainly didn’t worry her when she asked where I was…

I was taken in, prodded, questioned and hooked up to a monitor. An IV thingie was stuck in the back of my hand so I could get morphine injected and I was given O2 as well as a couple of ECG’s. Just as the morphine kicked in my mum turned up and before I was whisked away for a chest X-ray I was told by a nurse that Vonnie had called. At this point I’d been told it was probably pericarditis and that I might need to stay over night depending on what the X-ray showed. What Vonnie was told however was that my ECG showed signs of a mild heart attack and that I was definitely staying overnight. Nice of them to a)give incorrect info to loved ones and b)to give that sort of info out over the phone in the first place. Anyway by now the morphine felt very good and I’d had my xray and didn’t even question how my brother had got to the hospital never mind how he’d managed to get from Hamilton in about 3 minutes flat. Vonnie turned up to find me with tubes and wires and all sorts stuck to me and despite my smiles looked really worried. She was much relieved to find out that despite the place being called Resus I wasn’t in need of any and that I hadn’t actually had a heart attack.

After several hours of trying to find me a bed, the hospital had about 2 spare at this point, I was moved up to the ward. It just so happened the 2 spare where in the same room and they the other was soon filled up. I shared that room with a guy that just sat stairing at the wall all day or sleeping and a guy that had had a stroke and spent the day pissing into bottles or shitting in a bag. Not long after I got there the other spare bed was filled by a wee guy with a huge O2 mask on that I was convinced wasn’t going to see it through the night. I’d been hyperventilating when I came in thanks to the pain when I took deep breaths but this guy was something else. He was up at 50-60 breaths per minute, his BP topped out at 240/168 and they could only find one place they could both draw blood from and put an IV into as his arms and legs were that swollen. He was really struggling and his alarms were going off all night. They also had a couple of floor fans on him trying to keep his temp down. So between my pain/discomfort I also had the fans, the alarms, the guys breathing and the stroke guys toilet habits keeping me awake almost all night.

One thing I’ll say though is they like to keep you fed. From the moment I got ont he ward until I left just before noon I think they must have gave me four meals! And thats not including tea and biscuits.

So anyway here I am now trying to find things that I can do that won’t wind up Vonnie or kill me. I’ll likely be off work for at least a week and depending on how I do at my GP’s on tuesday I may be off for another week as well. Just going to the shops knackers me out thanks to my breathing!

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I hate buses

I waited this morning for the midwifes to call. I’d heard nothing during the night so at 8.30am I gave them a call to find out when the doctors would be doing thier rounds so I’d know when Vonnie might be getting out. I’m told 9am and then get a phonecall at 10.30 saying that VOnnie might get out later today and to bring in shampoo and stuff. It was until I got there that I found out Vonnie had been trying to call me since 8.30 :(

Anyway I grabbed all the ethings together we needed for the day and phoned the travel centre to find out the route to get to Wishaw. I was kindly told that I’d need to get a 201 into motherwell and then change there onto a 240 or something. Had to go to the town centre to get disposable nappies for Nairn so bought an all day ticket and promptly managed to forget where I had to get off the 201 and what bus to get at that point. Jumped back into the travel centre only to find out an express bus leaves every hour and to get the First Bus buses that I was trying to get would take about 2 hours thanks to roadworks. I ended up jumping on some wee white bus into hamilton and then the 253 from Hamilton out to the hospital. Still took 2 hours but that was becuase the buses were delayed rather than actually being in the buses for those 2 hours. I then got the X21 express back from the hospital to virtually outside my fucking front door at the end of the day! All in I spent about 8 quid on damn bus fairs!

For those interested though Vonnies back out the hospital but shes still getting the contractions so we’ll need to see where they go from here. :S

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Bringing her up to speed now captain…

I cant actually remember what I got up to over the weekend…

Oh yeah I remember now.

Friday I got off work at lunchtime with the intent of oing back to the flat and sorting my room out for the surveyor that was coming on today. Took me forever but I managed to find the floor and removed three binbags full of rubbish from that one room. That worries me a little :S

Headed down to Vonnies knowing that she was going to Jen’s for dinner but not knowing exactly when she’d be back. Turned down the chance to go see The Descent but because of the hassle it would be to get to Hamilton…if I’d left later to get to Vonnies or actually thought about getting there a bit longer id have been able to see it though :(

Vonnie made it back to the flat for about 10 to midnight and we headed off to Asda so I could get provisions for Sunday and she could get the Harry Potter book. We arrived at 11:59:30 and see the length of the queue that was winding its way up the bread aisle from the front door. As we started heading to the end of it Vonnie reached the start of the queue just as it struck midnight and some Asda worker handed her 2 books. What a stroke of luck :)

Saturday revolved around redoing my website as I had access to a PC for a decent length of time with Vonnie reading Harry Potter and and getting the rest of my gear from my flat for airsofting on the Sunday. Very quite day truth be told.

Sunday morning Vonnie was already up to give Jen and Tony a run to the airport so she gave me a lift to Shotts with all my airsofting gear. Wasnt that big a turnout but Bobz Squad made up most of the blue team with a couple of extras added on. Game day was fantastic with us kicking as on almost every game we played. The second game we played was probably the standout game for me. When we defended we did it well enough to hold off the reds for most of the game but when it came to running the reversal we almost managed to clear out all the medical supplies. At one point it was almost like a conveyor belt with myself handing the tins over the wall to Steve who handed them to a runner who disappeared off with some backup to take the tins back to our base.

Got shot on the side of my head at one point and a BB cracked off the wee bit of my ear at the front that sort of covers the hole. Ended up with blood everywhere and what feels like a bit of cracked cartiledge in it. Its probably not though. Can only imagine what it would have been like if my earpiece had of been in when it happened rather than with the little bit of give it had without the earpiece.

Monday was another day for lazing about although I made an attempt at tidying up Vonnies living room. Got a fair bit of it done but I’m only halfway through at the moment. Sat and watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and 50 First Dates last night before heading to bed.

Today…the surveyor was coming so I made it back to my flat for the back of 8 just in case any last minute things needed fixing. He came, he saw, he wrote on a little notepad. Hopefully we’ll know in a couple of days if our plans for finding the cash for the flat have legs or not.

Bit of a boring entry but it brings it up to date :)

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I miss my friends

I dont get to see them anywhere near as much as I’d like. I don’t even get to chat to them on MSN because im never near a PC nevermind signed in anymore. Over the last 5 months Ive barely seen anyone. Where I used to be guarenteed to see everyone at least once a week im lucky if I get to see everyone once a month and even then thats rare.

It’s not even just seeing them that I miss its the chatting to them on MSN or txt as well. Whenever im signed in im lucky if ive got one close friend online to chat too and half the time they arent even there…theyve just forgotten to log out.

Just before Susie and myself split up I could see it starting to happen. We had no cash and no real want to go out as neither of us were really enjoying it. We’d have a mediocre night and then come home and if we were lucky fall asleep at the same time otherwise one of us would be up on the PC or watching TV….it wasnt good. So we very rarely went out and if we did it was very rare for us to do it together. Looking back I should have seen it coming a mile off rather than Susie just turning around one day and and saying…and i’m paraphrasing here…”I dont know what i want but I know I dont want you” or words to that effect. It got a little worse after that. I didnt see my friends that much because I didnt want to lie and say things were all right when they werent but at the same time I didnt want to tell them that things werent going well. I hoped we could sort it out and deal with it ourselves. By the time things got to far and we had to end it I’d only told three people. One was my mum just in case I needed somewhere to kip for a night or two, a girl called Ruth that I used to work with in DFID who was going through the same thing herself and Mark…who, for whatever sin he committed in another life, always seems to get hit with these things first when Susie wasnt about and in this case I certainly couldnt go to Susie…I did try though but it just seemed to make things worse.

Once our breakup went public I swore id see more of my mates. Over the years i’ve let good friends drift away and bad friends stick about. About the only good friend ive kept over the years despite not seeing them has been Barry and I didnt even manage to tell him Susie and myself were no more until about the end of January. And ive only really seen him a handful of times after that and thats been mostly over a few beers talking about us never seeing each other and promising to do more about it. I think I managed to see more of my friends over christmas and new year without them thinking I was using them as a crutch or whatever and then I met Vonnie and the world was all smilie again but ive went back to barely seeing my mates. Hell it was the only reason other than painitng that I got back into wargaming (to damn expensive) just so I could spend more time with my mates :)

With Wilbur and Ang moving away to the back end of Hamilton it was always gong to be awkward to get to theres without a lift as I just dont know anything about public transport outside of EK.. Wilbur has also been working his arse off for uni which limits things as well. Again Marks job has him working his arse off in a job that im sorry to say ive never really talked to him about other than to take the piss out of his works website when he first moved there. Clares got herself a new job as well and with that and family parties etc I rarely see the two of them as well. I’ve actually seen more of Dave since he got himself a girlfriend but even at that its never intentional as we just find ourselves in the same pubs for 10-15 mins at a time. Stoo and Laura have cocooned themselves in their new flat and are as loved up as they always have been. Think ive seen them abotu twice since new year…nowhere near enough. Then theres Susie…over teh last 5 months I’ve realised that at the end I was feeling similar to they way she was feeling. I wasn’t bored but the spark wasnt there anymore. I could look back as far as February last year and easily see that we were just friends that happened to live together and constantly piss each other off. These days we get on alot better than we used to when we were together and I love her to bits (purely as friends) because of that….just not entirely convinced she could or would say the same thing. I rarely see her these days as when im in the flat its a 50/50 chance of the two of us being there at the same time. I miss the fact that I can tell her anything but these days I just wonder wether she is ok with that.

These days I seem to be getting alot of new friends….which is always nice…but im frightened im losing my old ones as they make way for the new. I dont want that theres room for everyone…just need a crowbar I think to fit them all in :)

I’m an arse at times but I dont always know it so tell me when im am please…

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